Releasing The Need To Control!

In my 38th year of life I have learned a lesson about relationships that has totally redirected my thought process. It’s like I woke up one day and the light bulb turned on. One of my biggest issues has been the need to control the direction of a relationship.  I believe that is the issue with most of us. I know that we are not always aware of it. We do certain things unconsciously not realizing that is the underlying issue.  We meet someone,  we like them and then we go into “oh shit where is this going” mode.

I met this guy not too long ago, and instantly had an amazing connection. We text for a few days. On our first phone conversation,  it lasted for 7 hours. It felt like a first date. We listened to music, talked about what songs we liked. Some of our favorite artists.  We talked about our past relationships.  Past life experiences, sent each other pictures while on the phone.  We had an amazing time. When we met in person for the first time he didn’t feel like a stranger.  He seemed extremely comfortable and it made me comfortable.

It was so easy to be myself around him and I felt like he was being himself. No masks, not trying to impress one another just really letting things flow. After about a week or so I was triggered. One day he hadn’t replied to my text message for hours. I went into a panic and instantly felt like he was about to abandon me. It brought up old issues that I had with the last guy I “really liked”. He disappeared with no explanation and I thought we had an amazing connection as well.

I found myself crying feeling out of control. Feeling like damn, why does this keep happening to me. I meditated and vented a little bit to one of my friends and gathered my thoughts.  When he finally text back, I realized I was over reacting. The thing that helped me through that moment was sitting in my feelings. I had to really and truly understand why I was feeling how I felt. I never expressed that to him, because he did nothing wrong. If I would have allowed my feelings to seep out onto him, I possibly could have created an unsafe space for him. That is why it is so important for us to realize the why to our actions. We need to know, and be accountable for what we do and how we react to certain things.

My need to control didn’t stop there. I found myself trying to communicate all the time. Sending random text messages all the time because I didn’t want him to “forget” me. I wanted him to always know I was thinking of him, or I wanted to stand out above anyone else that he may be communicating with. I would text just to see if he would reply sometimes. Although we spent a lot of time together,  I still wanted to be in control of how this plays out. If we didn’t talk for a certain period of time, I would instantly have negative thoughts. It is so hard to relax when you’re not in control. Funny thing is, you will never be in control.

I know that I can only control me and my actions.  How I react to certain things and how I convey how I feel. I can become really aggressive when I want someone. To the point that it may seem selfish.  I had to sit back and check myself on that. For someone who may not be in the same space mentally,  it can push them away. I realized that I really had to let go and allow the relationship to go in whatever direction it is going to go. Noone will forget about you just because you haven’t said anything to them for a day. Just because one person chooses to abandon you, that doesn’t mean the next will. Sometimes holding on too tight can crush something. Compacted roots don’t have the space to grow.

Just because you want a relationship or anything to work RIGHT NOW, doesn’t mean this is the time. I am a firm believer in devine timing.  Things happen when they are suppose to. No matter what you do, what is meant to be will be. There are certain things that will happen in order for you to grow as a person. Once you gain self awareness,  you will be able to see what is happening and why. I definitely don’t know the direction of the relationship.  I do know that I like him, he likes me.

I have completely taken away my need to control the direction of the relationship. I’m allowing things to grow where they need to go. I do believe relationships are a means to help you see yourself if you allow them to. Although we my think we are being good people , we can try and manipulate situations to be what we want. Not considering what it may cost the other person. If the other person isn’t ready to be where you are, but yet they feel obligated it isn’t genuine.

If you start to feel like you’re doing too much, you probably are. Sit with yourself and figure out what you are doing. Think about why you’re doing it. No matter what you do, if the intention has an underlying need of control. You need to step back and figure out why. You will never be able to control the outcome of anything, you only have control of YOU!!!